A letter

My dear Baby,

For several times now I have started writing this post and deleted it, without even saving a draft. So let me tell you this first, I am confused (;about so many things right now but now lets talk this ) about whether to share this or not. But the  fact that me not being to get proper sleep even now, keeps pushing me to do this, Maybe this can help me in the process of coming back .So lets do this,

Up until a month ago we , me and my hubby used to watch a lot of movies on big screen and thugs of hindostan was just another movie. Since it was an Aamir Khan movie expectations were high and we booked tickets a week early.. The release date was November 8th and we had booked tickets for the evening show on November 8th.

8th November let us start from there.

It was a fine Friday and both of us were enjoying our day off from work. The show was at 4, and my husband asked me to be ready by 3:30. Just as we were checking the tickets again, I saw that date on there, it struck me that I am a day late on my periods. Usually, one day late is nothing but even then I thought I’ll just pee on that stick and make sure. That’s it , just a casual check, I remember not even telling my husband while going to the washroom. And so I did the test, just kept it there and went out hurriedly to get ready as he was already done and ready to leave.  Even while going to the washroom after 5  minutes to check the result, I was sure, it was negative. But  then… I saw a very faint line in there… so faint that I was confused whether my mind was playing tricks on me. I called him , and he saw it too. We took a picture and sent it to my sister. She cried – it is ‘YES” .

I just sat on the bed and was telling myself “this is it , this it it!! ” I’m going to have a baby .. so blissful that feeling was. For some reason I was shaking with joy.. Absolute happiness.

Having booked the tickets we set out to the theatre and  after 3 hours of suffering Thugs (which, as it is a horrible movie and it   only got worse when coupled with our anxiety ) we went to the clinic. But, the doctor had left by then and so we had to wait till the next day. That night we took the home test again which too turned out positive and next day early morning we took the blood test. By evening the result was out and it was positive! My mind was so full of joy .It was from that moment , I felt you inside.. I realised ..’yeah there is a little baby growing in there and he/she is mine, our own.. ‘ . Of course I was worried about how to manage along with my 12 hour job, changing the eating habits and everything, But definitely JOY was the strongest feeling!

Our consultation with doctor told us that I am in Week 4-5 now .The following weeks went so fast. It was like so many things were happening .. my body was changing, morning sickness kicked in, pregnancy hormones,fatigue .. Realising my trouble dodging between work and home, my mom offered to come home and stay with us at least till the morning sickness got over. Till then we continued our routine, me taking occasional breaks from work .

We visited the doctor for routine checkups and on our second checkup, doctor gave me the scan picture . Oh !I had so much trouble finding you out from that picture, But when i did see you , even though you were not more than a small dot, I could feel that connection, that feeling of you ,my baby, kept getting stronger. I was so enthusiastic while sharing it with family.We started preparing ourselves, took strolls together in the park and even bought our pregnancy guide – what to expect when expecting.  I deleted the monthly cycle tracking app and installed the pregnancy app.

Our next checkup was scheduled after three weeks, on the 8th of December and I was relieved because my mom would be here by then. And things will finally be on track again. By then I would be in my 9th month. Our doctor told us that during the next visit we can see your heartbeat and I couldn’t wait for it! My mom arrived along with my 4 year old niece on the 7th of December . I was crying with joy when I saw them, maybe it was the pregnancy hormones kicking in, but i was slowly getting used to frequent and intense mood swings by then. .

We went to the doctor on 8th as scheduled but unfortunately she was on leave that day. The following day I went to work as usual. At office I could wait till it was evening so that I can see your heart beating, I shared with my friends the happiness. Evening, me along with my mother went to the doctor. The doctor was also relieved to see my mom , I guess maybe in her mind she was worried I was such a small kid!

She greeted us so pleasantly , she addressed me ” Afifa baby, come here I’m so happy to see your mother with you. She scanned through my blood test results and told happily, everything seems so right .Now we’ll do the scanning and see the heartbeat. You should know that I was so happy entering the scanning room , because I had been waiting for this moment for the past three weeks.

She shut the curtains and started doing the scan,  and the first time I sensed of something wrong was when she asked me ” Afifa, is your husband here?”

I told her “No. he is on work”

” Why? is there something wrong?” I asked

She said ” You know,  Surprisingly I am not able to see the heartbeat”

There – my heart stopped right there, it was like my world stopped there. Everything seemed so  pointless and numb.

Back in the consulting room she was explaining to my mom that by the 9th week heartbeat must be clearly visible . She also told something about “no growth”. That whole time felt like eternity and I just sat there. Even as the doctor told me ” I’m sorry Afifa I really wanted to give you a healthy baby”I was like thinking of something else. Because in my mind I was trying to convince myself that you were alright.

Out from the consulting room, I lost it. I broke into tears. It felt as if  I couldn’t go on anymore. I simply leaned on to my mom’s shoulders and cried. Later I learnt we were to consult a radiologist the next day. That night was the longest night of my life.

All around me people were trying hard to convince me not to give any more hope, that it was over.. but deep inside , my dear , I was trying so desperately to hold on to that single ray of hope – the radiologist, what if she could find something??!

The next day, we waited for the results outside the radiologists room,  After what felt like days we finally got it. And in there I saw two words ” Missed Abortion”.

My dear, I have no idea as to how to put the rest of it to words. Nothing has been able to console me,  not the fact that this was a very common thing and 1 in every 4 women these days go through it. or the fact this will not affect us having another baby. Yes , this MIGHT be common , and many might have gone through it, but definitely it doesn’t make it ANY easier.Not to ANY of them. It is so hard to walk through a miscarriage. It is so hard losing a child even if it  is still in the womb.It is almost like losing a part of you. If anything ,it made it even harder for me realising the fact many women are going through it these days and WHY is that. Is there a reason, I ask any doctor I see….

People tell me there was never a  baby inside you, it was just a small dot, it never became a human and to that I really don’t know how to respond. Because for me , you had already become a part of my life and losing you is never going to be easy. I tried going for work,  but had to come back unable to concentrate. Back home, all were discussing on doing the procedure to take you out of me, before it becomes complicated for my health, but I didn’t want you to go. Even when I knew there was no hope I prayed for you ,There was so many things I wanted to talk of, My feelings , my thoughts.. But all I did was uninstalling the pregnancy app and bringing back the cycle tracker. I thought it would help me find closure.

The next week was painful both mentally and physically. The pain was too much. Hot water bags became a part of me, I was never seen without that but more than anything i think it was, and it still is the pain of losing you. I have almost fully recovered from the physical pain slowly and mentally I AM trying to bring back that smile on my face. I still am, as I know the people around me are being sad too. But sometimes ,mostly at night as I close my eyes it just kicks into me that I am no longer pregnant. There is no YOU in ME now. And that I Am just one person and not two.

It has been three weeks now and I still can’t get over you. I know I should . Maybe this would help and that is why I am writing this.

Today my mom and niece have returned home. And it feels so much more empty. Here lying down in bed  suddenly I saw the entire happenings of the past month in front of me. It was just for a moment but there I saw everything. From the moment we took the home test to the operation theatre. I saw it all.

Hoping for the best.

Love always,

Me.